Parenting – how to communicate with your adolescent
“Hey google, what does ‘lol’ mean?” Our teenagers are living in a fast paced, internet induced, socially pressurising environment where trends are changing much faster than we can keep up. It can feel as though we are talking to a brick wall when there is a glass ceiling preventing true and authentic communication with our teenagers. Unlike when our kids were younger and eager to spend time with us, adolescents can avoid wanting to be seen in public with their parents.
Communication is vital for connection with all our relationships. Without connection, it is unlikely our adolescent children will be open to advice, guidance and direction.
Here are some tips for you to move beyond the ‘fine,’ ‘whatever,’ ‘maybe’ answers:
Show them that you care about what matters to them.
As your child grows and develops they are likely to find new interests and passions, some you may question, some you may understand and like. Even if their interests don’t naturally align with your preferences, it is vital to show an interest in these activities and encourage them to find what they love. Connect with your child by showing a genuine interest in what they are into, asking them questions, participating when you can. This shows you care about them as an individual.
Validate their feelings and experiences.
As some of you may know/ remember, being a teenager everything can feel like the end of the world. It can be easy to minimise their feelings and experiences as the problem can seem rather insignificant. Rather than saying ‘you’ll be fine,’ ‘it’s not that big of a deal’, try to validate your teen’s emotions by saying things like ‘that sounds hard,’ ‘of course you’d be upset about that,’ ‘I understand why you’d feel that way,’ or ‘what can I do to help?’.
Avoid the words: “Let’s Talk.”
These two little words raise major alarm bells in anyone but especially in their brains. It can make it nearly impossible to have a meaningful conversation. Instead, hang around with them in a non-threatening way before saying what you intend to say. Look for windows of opportunity: while you’re driving together, cooking together, or sitting on the couch.
Respond from your heart
Let’s say your son comes home disappointed that he feels he didn’t do very well in his test. Knowing he stayed up last night playing video games, you may instinctually want to raise your voice and tell him “you shouldn’t have stayed up so late gaming.” Instead, your son needs you to empathise without feeling even more guilty and judged. Create a space free of judgement and shame when they are vulnerable with us, as then they will be more inclined open up. Instead say something along the lines of “That’s really hard, what can we do next time to prevent this happening in the future?”
Follow the ‘you-I-we’ approach
This approach is based off the child psychologist, Shelja Sen. She teaches that when you’re undergoing conflict with your child you should go through these steps:
I listen to YOU and I listen and try to understand your perspective
I share my perspective where you listen, even if you don’t agree
Then, WE discuss together how can resolve the issue
Be willing to apologise when you mess up
All parents mess up, especially when teenagers are pros at pressing the wrong buttons. So, take the lead and be willing to say, “I’m sorry for messing up.” Humbling yourself by acknowledging you aren’t perfect can set the tone when they mess up and encourage them to also apologise.
Spend time together
This may sound obvious (and hard: not many teenagers want to be seen in public with their embarrassing and uncool parents) but bonding is vital for having a relationship built on trust. Ask them to participate in things you know they like and make this time as stress free as possible. During these time don’t talk about things that can cause stress or conflict. Make this a time free from expectations and pressure, where you can just enrich your relationship and have a positive interaction.